Sunday, July 8, 2012


We're moving soon and since we've done this quite a bit, I know how I like things done.
 I don't like to pack junk.
So, we started the de-cluttering process with the guest room/office/music & random crap room.
The closet in this room holds two large tupperware stands (with drawers) full of medical equipment.
Ben and I decided we should go through and trash it.
I assumed I would be happily tossing this stuff into the garbage.
I was wrong.
This process proved to be way harder than I anticipated.
So, I started to ask myself why.
Why is this hard?
Why do you want to hang on to this stuff?
Are you afraid you're going to need it again?
Are you afraid to let go?
Are you afraid to get too comfortable with normal?

This is the part where I wish I could say I came up with some profound answer, 
but the best I can give you is: I dunno
And with that pearl of wisdom, I took a deep breath and threw a lot of things away.
But not everything. 
I kept a few items and I've decided to make a memory box.
Mostly for Lila, so that she can have something tangible to understand that part of her life.
But also for me.  
I know I won't forget, but these things weren't just a part of her life.  They were a part of my life and Ben's life and Jack's life and a whole lot of other people too.  
It's hard to let go of something that was so integral to your existence.

So yeah, I get that it seems ridiculous to have a hard time saying goodbye to boxes of syringes, a bottle of mouthwash, 3 NG tubes, a bag of needles, scissors, 4 central line changing kits, and those green face masks from hell (among other things). 

I get why you might think it's dumb, but I hope you can also get why maybe it's not.


Gail B said...

not dumb. totally get it in a different sort of way, but totally...

Anonymous said...

Well put. This is some of your best writing yet friend. ;)

Michelle Judd said...

Beautifully written.

Michal Thompson said...

I would have the tendency to do the same as you, the "what if's" But the act of throwing it all away would in some ways be so healing! Let me know if you need help packing!

James Best said...

I like how you suspect that indifferent monsters read your blog. That there is actually someone out there who would think this is dumb.

I will now pretend to be that person.

"What the butts, Annie? Just throw that nonsense away. Your feelings are cracked as pepper. Oh, what, you're having a hard time dealing with a major milestone of your family's life? Call the wah-mbulance. Is that joke still fresh? You should just burn that stuff and dance on the ashes. You should also never think about it again, too. Never ever."

How's that? And hey, it was beautiful to hear your thoughts on it.

Holly said...

Um, Ryan says if you have any syringes still that you don't want, he'd love them. Apparently he was going to buy some online this week -- he CLAIMS for woodworking. Should I be concerned? :)